For parents and teachers of children with special needs and behavioural challenges
“Emotions are Like an Elephant in the Room”
When working with children, I have come to understand that emotions are like an elephant in the room: they take up a lot of space, and many choose to not talk about them due to feelings of discomfort. It is irony at its best. Emotions influence all of us, yet we haven’t all figured out a way to address and/or manage them.
If we are to make a significant impact on the growth and maturity of the children in our care, we much take time to understand and learn about the importance of emotions. Every human being is created with emotions. Whether we feel them or not, whether we identify them or not, emotions are like an ever-moving river that “moves” us constantly.
Every action we take derives from an emotion.
If we FEEL hungry, we think about food and likely we will find something to eat. If we FEEL tired, we will think about sleeping and will either FEEL uncomfortable as we continue our day with fatigue, or we will find an opportunity to lie down and rest. If we FEEL sad, we might not recognize this feeling of sadness, nor know how to express it but it will however make our heart and mind FEEL heavy, and it can cause us to seek out comfort. For some this may look like eating even though one is not hungry or watching television instead of the usual trip to the gym to exercise.
As adults we experience emotions, and these emotions impact our words and actions.
Irrelevant of whether we know this or not.
It is the same for children.
Our job as parents and caregivers is to help our children learn how to identify their emotions, understand them, express them in a healthy way, and ultimately practice managing them so that their emotions don’t take charge.
Emotions when unmanaged have the potential to highjack our life. When balance and self-control are lacking, imbalance, and volatility are common, which can have adverse effects on developing and maintaining healthy friendships and relationships.
Studies have shown that individuals who manage their emotions in a healthy way are generally more successful in life, have better career prospects, and healthier relationships opposed to those who do not manage their emotions well.
Emotional intelligence is key therefore when helping our children grow up to be successful and healthy adults.
So where do we start?
We start by becoming great detectives.
Whenever I see a student acting out in school, there are several questions I ask myself:
What feeling is the child trying to express?
What need is this behavior attempting to meet?
What is the child trying to communicate?
When emotions move us, they find a place to express themselves.
We may not be consciously aware, but they find their way out, from the inside to the outside of us.
Children feel too.
They feel anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, happiness, excitement and many more. Yet, they do not always know how to read their feelings. They must learn to know them, to identify them, and to express them in a healthy way.
It is our responsibility to help teach them, and to help them navigate through their emotional world, especially when these emotions are intense and unpleasant.
I would like to share with you a true story related to this topic. I was helping to support a grade three class a few years ago when the teacher announced that the class would be making a Mother’s Day Card. I happened to scan the room, and I noticed one boy sitting at the back. He had been sitting with a relaxed look on his face but as soon as the teacher mentioned Mother’s Day, I saw his countenance change. He had a very angry look on his face. He was known for losing control of his emotions easily and would often be seen throwing objects and getting into physical fights when experiencing frustration. Something instinctively told me that he was not in a good place and that I needed to act quickly to avoid a potential outburst.
I turned to the teacher and asked if there were any students that are not living with their mother, and she nodded. She spoke about the student in question and how he does not have contact with his mother and was currently living with his grandparents. The change in his countenance now made sense.
I walked over slowly and sat down next to the student. I asked, “Are you feeling uncomfortable about making a Mother’s Day card?” He responded, “I don’t want to make one.” I explained to him that it is okay if he doesn’t want to make a Mother’s Day card. He looked at me as the anger on his faced turned to sadness. His eyes teared up and he placed his head down on his desk. I didn’t ask him to explain his sadness to me. I understood and somehow, he knew it, without telling me anything. I asked him, “Is there someone special in your life, who you love and loves you that you would like to make a card for?” He smiled a little and responded, “My grandmother.” The teacher allowed him to do just that, and he happily started making a beautiful card for her.
I truly believe that if I had not addressed this student’s feelings of frustration and sadness when I did, they would have found their way out in a very unhealthy and damaging way. My detective skills, in noticing the small things enabled me to prevent and helped to provide emotional support for this student in a time of need.
Our approach towards our children’s emotions can make a significant difference
We will go deeper into this topic in my next blog.